Last night I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone, and I had a revalation of sorts. How did this come about? It's simple, really. We were talking about banana bread. Yes, I'll explain. . .
One of Daniel's favorite foods in the world is his grandma's banana bread. This past spring, he needed to be at his dad's in the Ft. Worth area for about a month, and it was the longest time we had ever gone without getting to see each other since we had started dating (even though we slipped up and he convinced me to drive all the way to Ft. Worth for a weekend halfway through his stay). The weekend he was going to be driving home, I made sure to drive in from Corpus Christi so we could spend some time together. I was so excited he was coming back home that I stayed up the entire night before he drove in, baking banana bread to suprise him. When he got home that weekend, I brought the bread over and he got excited about it, but made a few comments about how it didn't quite taste like his grandma's.
About a month ago, we were fortunate enough to take a small vacation to New Mexico for a week so he could spend time with (and introduce me to) his grandma. I took advantage of the situation, and explained to his grandmother how much he missed her banana bread when we were back in Texas. She very happily handed over a copy of her banana bread recipie and seemed very excited and pleased that I was willing to try to do something like that for her grandson. She was even sweet and helpful enough to sit down with me one afternoon when it was just the two of us in the house and talk me through her baking process just so I could copy it as best as I could when Daniel and I were back home.
This week, Daniel needed to go up to his sister's for a couple of days. Last night we were talking on the phone, and he mentioned he was supposed to be coming home today. I casually mentioned that I had gone out and bought some bananas, and was thinking about finally taking time to try out his grandma's recipie. He seemed happy about it, and kind of joked that even though the recipie came straight from his grandma, it wouldn't be the same. That got me thinking. . .
OF COURSE IT'S NOT GOING TO BE YOUR GRANDMA'S BREAD...I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND, NOT YOUR GRANDMOTHER!!!
How many times have we gone through something like this? We've heard it from dads, husbands, boyfriends, and good friends. I'm sure we, as women, have said things like this about things from time to time also. "My dad would be able to fix that." "Maybe I should call (insert name here) and see what he would do." So, while I'm writing this from a girlfriend's perspective, ladies you know we are just as guilty, if not moreso at times.
I'll be honest, there have been times for me (and I know some of you have gone through this as well) that these kind of comments hurt. Here I am, trying to do something nice for the man I love. I have the best of intentions, and just want to do something I know will make him happy. What happens? It isn't quite good enough.
At this point last night, that's when it really hit me. It will never be good enough. We strive to give those that we love exactly what we know will make them happy. We bend over backwards, stress ourselves out, spend way too much money and drive ourselves crazy sometimes trying to achieve that level of perfection for that person who, at times, seems almost too perfect to us. We do everything we can, but it will never be the same. Sometimes it's all we can do to not beat ourselves up over the idea that we're never going to be like their grandmas, moms, dads, or whomever.
Here's the thing, though. We all feel that way about something in our lives, too. I know, no matter what happens in my life or who I am going to deal with, no one will ever come close to fixing things and doing things for me quite the way my dad does. It's just not possible. There won't be anyone who can compare to my grandma Fenner's cheesecake or pecan brittle or my grandma Kroll's dressing or chicken and dumplings. There is no one out there in the world who can compete with almost anything my mom has ever baked or any of the hugs she has ever given me to make me feel better on a bad day. There is always going to be at least that one person who did something a certain way that we will always remember.
These people did these things in our lives that will always be there. They were special people in our lives and they did these things just for us. Daniel will never fix things exactly the way my dad does. But Daniel isn't my dad, and I would never want him to be. He is my boyfriend, and the things he does for me can't compare to anyone else either. I'm happy with that. In the same token, I will never be Daniel's grandmother, and I am more than positive that neither of us wants that. I'm his girlfriend, and there are things I do for him that I know he's going to remember and think about. I may not be his grandmother, but when I make banana bread, it will be the best banana bread I've been able to make, and he'll know that I made it just for him. It won't be his grandmother's bread, but it won't be any less of a special thing, because it's something he likes and I'm doing it for him.
We will never be able to live up to the people before us (mothers, grandmothers, prior girlfriends or wives, etc.). . .but why would we want to? We are in these people's lives because we are special to them in our own way. Why would we want to be like the people before us? They already have people like that, they don't need more than one. These comments that are made aren't meant to hurt us or to discourage us. These comments are brought about by thoughts of people who cared for us doing things for us. These comments are made out of love and happy times, not because of negative feelings towards us not ever being like those other people.
What does that mean? It means we need to learn to be confident and happy with what we do for others, and we shouldn't allow ourselves to be brought down. I know that while I may never be able to make banana bread that tastes exactly like Daniel's grandmother's, he's going to love me anyway because I'm trying. It's also comforting to know that one day, all of this stress and all of the nights we keep ourselves up late wondering how to make things better will all be worth it. One day, someone out there will be talking about how they really like something, but it's not quite as good as ours. It may take time, maybe even a lifetime, but one day we'll be the ones everyone else is struggling to be.
Keep your heads up world, we may have more work to do, but overcoming this is more than half the battle!
I have my head held higher today, because even though I may not be absolutely perfect right now, one day my time will come...and I know if it does, there will be no one in the world who will ever be able to compete with anything I will ever be able to do for my future kids. :)
Until next time,
Abby <3
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